#I spent so long drawing this idk who I am anymore

[wanologic]

reminder to take care of your loser human body

[momosweetpeach]

This is in no way me trying to be like rude or hateful, so if it comes off that way I apologize.

Like I kinda understand the CoraLaw ship, I also like don't? For some reason my brain just views it as like almost grooming??? Idk, would it be possible for you to please further explain your view on the ship? Obviously you are under no obligation to do so, and it's fair of you think you shouldn't have to explain your thoughts on it. I am moreso just curious.

Regardless I absolutely adore your art, especially how you draw Penguin and Shachi.

This isn't rude at all, this is actually quite polite and civil! And also-

I shall go in depth below since it'll be a lot.

First and foremost, a lot of people seem to have a totally bastardized idea of what "grooming" actually even IS nowadays. It gets tossed around so much that people forget that the main trait is INTENTIONALITY. It is an INTENTIONAL process of manipulation and abuse for selfish reasons (similar to gaslighting). It is very hard to "accidentally" groom someone. You can give them the wrong idea, maybe, but that's not grooming. It originally means to basically prep and train up someone for a specific role later in life. Doflamingo uses this meaning of the term when talking about wanting to train Law up to become his righthand man.

Cora-san's character is LITERALLY DEFINED by his selflessness and sacrifices he makes to save Law's life. He doesn't expect anything in return. He acts on a sense of duty and then empathy. He suffers greatly in attempts to allow Law to survive and live freely, out from under the thumb of his brother.

Speaking of Doflamingo real quick, for some reason I feel like I see the ship of DofLaw get a lot less hate than CoraLaw despite the fact that they're in similar positions. Usually, because people have the headcanon of DadCora even though Law never views or refers to Cora as a father figure in any canon or spinoff material. If you have that headcanon, fine, whatever, but you have to remember that canonically, Law and Cora do not see their relationship as familial. That's part of the weight in the scene that Law has with Sengoku after Dressrosa. "Don't look for a reason for somebody's love."

Law didn't have to be family or important or anything for Cora to love him. He just did, if anything, from a sense of deepseated empathy and understanding of the pain that Law was going through.

Now- the actual shipping part of it.

It is also extremely difficult to groom someone if you are GONE FOR 13 YEARS.

The most commonly depicted manner of CoraLaw as a ship is Cora returning after 13 years, whether he secretly survived Minion Island, has been a ghost, was resurrected- whatever it may be, there is the gap of Cora being gone and assumed dead for over a decade. That is a LONG TIME to be separated from a person, and by the time you reunite, things will have changed, ESPECIALLY LAW. He is NOT the same person he was at age 13 anymore, obviously. He is a fullass grown adult at age 26 in the current canon. He has become an entirely new person with new strengths, confidence, and outlook on things.

Another important part of the ship to me...is that it is most often LAW who is pursuing CORA, not the other way around. LAW is the one who has spent all this time devoted to avenging Cora and being basically obsessed with honoring his memory and repaying the sacrifices that Cora made to him. The devotion is met in equal measures in that sense.

Their relationship as adults, 26 and either ALSO 26 or 39 (depending on if Cora is resurrected or has actually been alive this whole time) is them recognizing how things have changed and how their dynamic has now evolved into something totally different. Law isn't a kid that Cora can pick up like a football. He's an accomplished pirate captain. He was a warlord for a bit!!! He's an insanely powerful and scary guy tbh!!!

But Law still has a soft spot for Cora, still talks about him with an edge of kindness and love. Law would he terrified of admitting that he's perhaps developed feelings because of the fear of rejection from his most precious person, the one he owes everything to.

A lot of fics go with the mutual pining angle, both afraid of ruining what they have, despite the fact that things aren't the same as they were 13 years ago. It's an interesting space to explore and requires a lot of trust ans vulnerability on both ends-

No. It's not a conventional relationship by any means. I won't argue that. But that's why I like it, damnit. It's a fictional scenario that is largely impossible in our world, and it's a fun space to explore and to consider the depth of the affection they already have for one another, evolving into something different and new.

That's the main takeaway here tbh for me. It's FICTION. Literally no individuals are being hurt and it's not even ticking off any boxes of the usual Dead Dove sort of things so. Yeah

Jazz hands

[eldritchenochian]

spoilers for Stardust Rhapsody season 2 (eps 15 & 16) below

stardust rhapsody is (was? idk.) my favorite Legends of Avantris campaign. I've watched the first season upwards of 5 times now, and almost all of the fics and fanart I've made have been related to it. it got me through some pretty rough times.

I am disappointed with season 2, so far.

the whole idea of "all of that was just a story, and very little of it actually happened" just feels very. not great.

all those characters we love and connected to, including Pyke who told the story, are not at all what we know now. some characters weren't even real to begin with.

what was the point? both of caring about the characters, and retconning it all? it feels bad to have a set of characters that I spent so much time dedicated to- drawing, writing, analyzing, relating to- just to be told "none of that matters cause it didn't actually happen, also there's a copium leak in here".

we do not know these characters anymore. Pyke has proven to be an unreliable narrator- the past what, 2 years? of character development and recordings and story building mean nothing, because it's been made out to be an embellished story riddled with lies and barely truths. we don't know if the Pyke and Rett from the first season are the real Pyke and Rett or just a lie told by Pyke- same with everyone else. their backstories too- Pyke isn't even actually a racer. Leo doesn't exist, Rex is just some random guy- who knows what else about the crew was made up. Kavir and Dandy's backstories too, probably. which, ouch.

maybe it's stupid, because these are fictional characters. maybe I'm just not smart enough to enjoy the "story within a story" trope here. idk.

I get that they threw the campaign together relatively quickly, and thought the characters didn't mesh super well together (that second one is bs, they were peak found family, and the crew even said they qere the most stable party after the icebound crew). I get that they planned to do this for a very long time. but there were better ways they could've gotten rid of Leboosh and Chuckles. which I'm also upset about, but. not important in the face of throwing away 14 episodes of canon.

I guess I just feel like I've been made to feel stupid for getting attached to a handful of characters and expecting that their story would go in a direction that I enjoyed.

also I don't like Glup. I know he and Quibly are supposed to be comic relief, but he doesn't really feel like a character. he can't even talk directly, Derek has to do interpretation as Quibly. sure it's funny, but he can't meaningfully contribute to conversations, or planning, or interacting with non party members unless they speak his language. I know they're going for the Han Solo and Chewbacca type relationship, but idk. it doesn't appeal to me in this format. Chuckles was a fully fledged character, Glup is mainly a bit that's been turned into a character.

now I may be completely wrong about this, but it feels like they're trying to change the direction of stardust from something a little more lore based with bits of humor at points, to something more humor based with a sprinkle of lore at times. like another campaign that the algorithm and shorts really really love. nothing wrong with being more marketable, but doing it at the expense of good characters and great stories just feels bad.

for those who were there with me in Discord last night while we watched it live, don't get me wrong, I had fun. it was fun to theorize about what was actually going on, maybe this was real, maybe this was all a coma dream- until the cast addressed it and debunked it themselves. I'll be honest towards the end of episode 15 and all of 16 I saw (I bailed early, which is insane), I was not having fun. all I could think about is the fact that some of these characters don't matter as much to them as they do us, and that they are willing to get rid of them because they don't like them anymore. which campaign could be next? what if when Witchlight comes back, they pull this again, and one or even two characters leave in a heartbreaking, unsatisfying way? what then?

I desperately hope this is something I cam get used to, like they said on stream it may take some folks a while to come around to the change. I really hope so. please don't ruin stardust for me Avantris I BEG

[o0o0thorn0o0o]

Late, I know, but…! Only by two days, so I’ll still label/tag it:

Ichihime Week, Day 7: Mythical Lovers / Rainbow

I was planning on adding in magpies in the background this time, but I was getting lazy, and it’s already late, so maybe next time ^^;

(Also I was thinking of making a rainbow version, but it didn't come out as I would have liked? Idk. I still think it’s cute, though, so I put it under the cut)

Alrighty, listen: I really didn’t mean to wait this long to post. But, like, very shortly after Eid, my iPad’s storage filled up, like, to the point I couldn’t even access my mail (that’s how I found out, pfft). I was wondering why I’d ever need 256 GB 4 years ago… but still, it was $100 extra bucks. Sure, it was a grad gift, but 128 GB was expensive enough—still a lot of storage, too… Not enough, clearly!

Hoarding layers (and recoloring my own art, pfft) has really caught up to me… but also, it wouldn’t help too much if I didn’t either. After deleting what I could bear to part with, that took away around 5 GB, but merging layers in other works barely made a dent.

So I’ve spent these past few weeks wondering what to do, thinking about emailing my 2019 (imported from my 5s) and 2020 works to an email I also created 4 years ago for some reason I totally forgot about and never used so that I don’t end up taking any space in my actual one and then uploading them onto two (since I really don’t want my files corrupting) USBs via my laptop, trying to get those USBs from Target (but since I was adamant this time in getting 256 GB USBs—I don’t want to have to worry about storage for a longgggg time—there were none in stock), ordering them off of eBay instead since my dad insisted on their cheapness, waiting a week for them, then transferring them to that email and uploading them onto its Google drive if the files was too big…

But that was taking much too long and still left space on my iPad while I was doing it. I managed to complete the 2019 and 2020 pieces from my iPad, but it also only ended up being around 1 GB… So, like, I need to clear more years (breaks my heart, it does ;~; Sure, I still have access to them via that email and those USBs, but it’s not convenient anymore, and there are still pieces I plan on getting back to… ackkkkk).

Contemplating it some more and discussing it with a friend, much as I abhor subscription services, I finally decided to purchase a premium membership on Ibis for that 20 GB of cloud storage. I can afford the 30 bucks a year, and I like the app anyway—serves me good—and not having to watch an ad every 18 hours to access my go-to brushes would be nice, plus having access to the other stuff, but yeah: ✋🌈✨cloud storage✨🌈 🤚

Anyway, I’m pretty sure a good chunk of what’s taking up my space is actually the cache, as I’m already more than halfway through my drawings, and I’m not sure if I’ll reach that 75 GB of storage Ibis was apparently taking up with just my drawings. So I’ll probably need to download everything, then delete the app and redownload it ‘cause stupid IOS doesn’t let you easily clear it 🫠

Anyway, I really thought I’d be done by now, but am not—that said, I managed to clear out around 10 GB off of Ibis (not my iPad; I somehow managed to gain back 5?? Somewhere?? I’ve no clue; I don’t see it), which is wayyy more than enough to get one drawing done for IH week, so I paused the whole storage thing for now. I actually tried to get day one’s drawing done on the 6th, but I’m dealing with perspective that’s hurting my brain, so I decided to get day seven’s done instead, ‘cause I thought I’d be on time…

Me? On time? Man, who knew I was so funny… 😒

But yeah, day seven is done! I’ll definitely revisit that day one drawing in the future, but not anytime soon. As if I wasn’t backed up already, this whole storage mess has backlogged even further, and there are other dates coming up 😮‍💨 And, y’know, gotta finish the storage transfer, too… Ahhhhhhhhhh!

Anyway, on a more positive note, gradient maps are actually very neat to use—had a little too much fun, eheh. I won’t confess how much time I spent testing it out on this piece, but here be my favorite:

They’re so golden <3 ☺️

[thatsgay-writes]

IDK You Yet

Fic Idea Inspo: IDK You Yet by Alexander 23

Heyyyyyy, long time no see. Kinda want to get back into writing so let me know what you think of this.

You were Jillian Salvius's project. Well, you weren't, the halo that was shoved into your back was. Jillian was using you and the halo's power to power some secret machine that she was keeping from the world. She also used you to test the halo's limits. How quick could it heal injuries? What could you do with it's powers? Anything and everything that pushed you and the halo to the limit was done every day without breaks. The only time you found sanctuary in the cold lab was in your dreams. When you would see her.

How can you miss someone you've never met? 'Cause I need you now, but I don't know you yet But can you find me soon because I'm in my head? Yeah, I need you now, but I don't know you yet

At first, your dreams were nothing but blank walls or a dark abyss of nothing. A means of escape, relaxation, and nothingness to get over the day's hardship. Until one night, you catch a glimpse of short brown hair out of the corner of your eye. At first, you think you're just imagining it, but throughout the next few nights, you see it over and over again. Until finally you see a silhouette in the distance. It's not much, but it's something. "Hey! Who are you!?" You shout into the void, your words get swallowed by the dark. But you know they heard you, you could feel it. You tried everything you could to reach the person who was standing a few yards away from you, but every time you took a step forward, they got farther away.

'Cause lately it's been hard They're sellin' me for parts And I don't wanna be modern art But I only got half a heart to give to you

The days have been getting harder and harder to deal with. Your body and the halo get pushed to the brink as scientists stand around and watch how you react to they're test, and you don't find sanctuary in your dreams anymore. "Please just turn around! Please..." You beg, another night spent in the void with someone in front of you just out of reach. "Please, I can't take it anymore! I hate being awake and being poked and prodded while people stand around and watch me like I'm some kind of project and not just me. I hate sleeping now because you just stand there and invade my dreams! Just either turn around or leave! I am begging you!" You fall to your knees, tears running down your face. You're tired, you just want to be left alone.

You feel fingers rest against your cheek, softly wiping your tears away, and you freeze. Is this real? You wonder as you look up. You're unable to make out the person's face as they kneel in front of you and start aggressively wiping at your eyes to get the tears out of the way. But once clear, the person is gone.

How can you miss someone you've never seen? Oh, tell me, are your eyes brown, blue, or green? And do you like it with sugar and cream? Or do you take it straight, oh, just like me?

You spend what little time you have alone during the day drawing what the person in your dreams looks like. What color are their eyes? What would they look like smiling? You haven't smiled in months. Then you try to guess other things about their life. What's their favorite drink? Food? How do they like their coffee? You preferred black.

When you dream now, they're closer. Sitting next to you on the ground in mutual silence. It felt nice to be close to somebody who wasn't hurting you. You had tried talking to them, asking them questions, but you never received an answer. Could they hear you? Could they tell what you looked like? Were they talking, and you couldn't hear them?

Yeah, lately it's been hard They're sellin' me for parts And I don't wanna be modern art But I only got half a heart to give to you And I hope it's enough

Another night in silence. You could feel the exhaustion of your body even in your dream state. You were too tired to even attempt to ask the person questions or wonder who they were. "I'm tired. I don't know how much longer I can go on like this." You tell them, not expecting a response. "Ever since I got this halo stuck in me, it's like--" You're cut off as the person next to you immediately jumps up. "What? Was it something I said?" You asked worriedly, did you say something wrong? The person starts making tons of hand movements, clearly trying to convey some message to you, but you can't understand them. They grab your hands, and you freeze again. This is the first time you've touched since they wiped your tears away. They pulled you to your feet before touching your upper back where the halo resided before motioning to their back as well. You looked confused before realization dawned on you. "Wait, you're like me?" You ask before waking up back in the lab for another day of testing.

How can you miss someone you've never met? 'Cause I need you now, but I don't know you yet But can you find me soon because I'm in my head? Yeah, I need you now, but I don't know you yet

I need you now, but I don't know you yet I need you now, but I don't know you yet I need you now, but I don't know you yet I need you now, but I don't know you yet

"What's happening!?" Jillian yells as a team of scientists are trying to stabilize you. "We don't know, we must have pushed the halo too far." A scientist says as they rush to grab equipment on a shelf. You felt heavy, the world blurring together as it felt like your body was shutting down. You didn't try to fight it; finally, you could be free. You could sleep in the void forever and maybe the person you see in your dreams every night would be there with you.

Alarms blare through the lab suddenly, bright red lights flash on the ceiling informing every that there was an intruder. "Shit. Keep working on them, I'll be back." You hear Jillian say before leaving the room you're in, leaving the door cracked. You see a bright light outside the door and think to yourself that it's finally over. All the pain and suffering you've endured has reached the end and you could be at peace. When you catch a glimpse of someone running past the door. Short brown hair.

Suddenly, you're trying your hardest to stay awake, to stay strong. Could it really be? You wonder, praying that your mind wasn't just playing tricks on you. You hear the footsteps that just passed slow down before coming back in your direction. Someone pulls the door open, and there she is. The person you've been seeing in your dreams for the past month, someone like you. You take in as much of her as you can at once. She's beautiful, you think as you finally look into her eyes. They're brown, you think with a smile, with a determined glint in them. Her name comes to you, like you've known her your whole life. "Ava." Your voice cracks out, reaching out a hand for her, hoping she'll grab it like when you were in your dreams. You watch her emotions flash across her face: shock, fear, anger, as she takes a step into the room. And suddenly it all goes black.

[koolaidoverliving]

This is for the royal story of the creepypasta one

1) is there a lot of drama

2) is there a love connection of one of them like the some of them have a crush on each other as a secret

3) are you going to draw more characters 

1. a lot of it, yes! the royalty au is split into diff timelines (before the war, during the war, after the war) and plotlines. it was originally meant to be a fanfic, that i was not writing, but spent time planning it with my friend. it's currently discontinued, and i don't know if it'll ever uhh be written LMFAOOO but maybe if??? people want it??? LIKE IDK IT'S KINDA JS ON THE BACK BURNER

the premise is slender's kingdom (THE WHITE KINGDOM, OR PROXY KINGDOM) vs zalgo's kingdom (ALBATROSS) or rather, the kingdom zalgo controls (belongs to Isaac Grossman. his father, prev king, made a little dealy deal with zalgo for more power.) i think this constitutes for a post of its own, but i'll say slender was a GREAT GUY. LIKE CARED ABOUT TIM, TOBY AND BRIAN LOTS. he may have abandoned them... but in all fairness? he wasn't expecting all hell to break loose? ANYWAY ENOUGH OF HIM BEING A TERRIFIC DAD!!!

brief summary of the fic's beginning:

three-ish povs: jeff, liu/the rogues, tim/toby/brian. it started with jeff getting captured by the white kingdom guards :) jeff is well known for being a criminal. but he had been w sally—who acted as a support system for him, and a younger sister figure—and they travelled tgthr. obviously she's not with him anymore. and in this au, that can really only indicate one thing: she died.

this is where the timeline stuff gets difficult, because the fic itself only takes place in the "during the war" plotlines (and an "after the war" epilogue), so everything before, WHICH I HAVE THOUGHT OUT INDEPTH AND AM UPSET I CANT SHARE AT ONCE, is just sprinkled into the story every now and then. it works out best this way. gotta use those literary skills for this hypothetical fic.

sally didn't just die. she was killed by one of the archers from albatross. ben (who's an adult in this au) basically committed a hit and run. jeff swore ben to be his lifelong enemy; he's going to be after that elf till the day he dies. it was a mistake though. sal and jeff were wandering in the woods. ben was after another target—missed the shot, froze in place, locked eyes with jeff long enough for jeff to eternalise that image of him, and then ran.

natalie and toby end up talking with jeff in the cells. jeff makes a case for himself. they decide to free him if he helps the kingdom. probation type shit. on the otherhand, liu's ended up w a group of wrong uns >_< zero, lj, jack, kagekao and candy pop -> known as the demon squad because they're on a wanted list everywhere. liu's led to believing his brother's dead, but he finds out—one day, as he's hiding within the bushes—that his brother is one of the guards for the white kingdom. he almost steps out to approach the troops, but stops. now knowing jeff's alive, his goal is to reunite with him.

with this, there is also the side-plot for liu and his buddies. laughing jack needs to find william and save him from albatross, since he believes it's his right to protect william. BUT, william has already been... brainwashed, in a way? i'd say js manipulated to hell and back by isaac—whom william looks up to. isaac doesn't exactly get a pov of his own, but he's one of the main antags and plays a crucial role near the end. isaac and tim are more of a focus than isaac and LJ, and i know that makes no sense with their canon... but like neither does anything else here LOLS

timothy and brian work in tandem to make the kingdom prepared in time of war. brian has alw been a little bitter toward tim, because tim was the favourite child—and brian didn't get much of ANYTHING. toby brings about more stress for tim, just by being reckless. this leads to an argument between the two of them, where tim tells toby he's NOT HELPING and he needs to learn his place. toby believes tim's stuck up, n refuses to take this criticism. to show him up, toby joins the royal forces, despite being one of the princes. brian is ADAMANT that this is an awful idea; tim declares he has other things to attend to (making sure the kingdom doesn't end in RUINS), and if toby wants to get himself killed, that's on him. (tim doesn't mean it he's just very overworked and a young king.)

2. ticciwork crush on each other. very doomed couple LMFAO jackjeff train tgthr and admire each others capabilities. candymaker is canon—they're irrelevant in the og fic BC THEY DO NOTHING BUT PROVIDE LIU + THE ROUGES A PLACE TO STAY. however i had a spin-off fic in the works that entirely revolved on their part of the royalty au...

if anyone has suggestions 4 this stuff i don't mind hearing because i never really thought too hard about ships in a royalty au SORRY

3. I WILL!!! any character could fit into it and have their little role :3 i have some guys in the background as cameos/easter egg characters. whenever i get out of this art block i'll MAYBE make portraits(?) of the characters?! or at least more thought out art. we'll see

this is the current list of characters and their roles, by the way :)

slenderman (ORIGINAL ... WHITE KING ...) (I REALLY NEED TO FIND A NEW NAME)

zalgo (just an eldritch guy)

timothy (THE current king)

brian (middle child, prince)

toby (youngest child, prince)

jeff (rogue turned guard)

natalie (commander)

kate (guard)

isaac (ALBATROSS KING!)

william (their prince)

ben (archer)

liu (rogue)

jack/nyras (thief, organ stealer)

LJ (ex-jester for albatross)

zero (murderer and thief)

kagekao (actor turned criminal)

candy pop (ex-jester for the red kingdom)

jason (ex-prince for the red kingdom)

i forgot to mention that the Red Kingdom is an entirely BEFORE THE WAR thing. it's like past history. jason left it years ago after killing both his parents LOL the whole place is in ruins but comes into play during the second arc, when liu and his friends set up base there (jason had been there too and he gave permission to stay)

can you tell i'm bad at namingOK BACK TO IT

here are all the background cameos i have

judge angels (LITERALLY GOD)

helen (royal painter)

puppeteer (he's just shakespeare)

x-virus (alchemist)

lulu (bar maid)

lazari (little girl)

nurse ann (nurse)

THAT'S ALL I HAVE SO FAR

IT'S HAAARD TO COVER A LOT AT ONCE I SORTA SUCK AT SUMMARIES AND IDK IF PEOPLE ARE INTERESTED IN THIS LIKE EVER HAHA BUT THANK YOU SM I like answering these specific questions ^_^

[futzingbarton]

kind of a nika update since i don't really post much personal stuff on here, but i think?? most of the ppl i wouldn't want seeing any personal updates are blocked and would have to go out of their way to see this so. whatever.

anyway hi. i am crawling along. the tl;dr is that after the past, uh...what now makes 7 years of being constantly in survival mode, moving from place to place, living day to day and just desperately trying to survive, as of, idk, september? my life has finally kind of somewhat slowed down. i got out of a very horrible living situation, and have been working every day on remembering how to Live and Breathe. turns out trauma is a lot!

on top of that, i am finally in a space to address my health. besides mental health (diagnosed with things that make sense, the adhd and the autism) i'm also figuring out my physical health. i finally got my PCOS diagnosis after a couple years, and am in the process of figuring out what kind of EDS/connective tissue disorder i've got. my life at the moment consists largely of working, followed by doctors appointments, followed by sleeping.

i'm more exhausted than i ever could have imagined. i'm burnt out in a way i never expected. it's like i was a bird on an eight year migration and now that i've finally stopped having to flap my wings, i can't move at all. it's a lot to work around. i feel terrible that so many things have slipped away from me, whether it be responding to people or finishing up overdue commissions (i swear on everything in me that i haven't forgotten, @thebreakfastfish. i have the files on my ipad. i look at them every day! and yet, i pick up the pen, and my brain starts turning into static, and. yeah. i am working up the capacity to send you an email with a bigger update and some actual progress because you saved my ass last december and somehow it's been a year and aaaaaaaaaaaaa.)

work is good. work is great, actually. i love my job. it's a Lot, but i love my job. working in non-profit is a lot, and i am Important in that i manage a lot of projects for clinic services. i work to help the vulnerable population where i live, so it's fulfilling, but it's also exhausting. turns out Thinking for eight hours a day makes your brain mush. this year has also been a series of unfortunate events for my job. four of our physical locations flooded in january, our main clinic was destroyed by it, we've spent months building back up and figuring out how we're going to rebuild, etc etc. tons of long term things in the works to fix things that happened overnight 11 months ago.

so things are Good but things are also Endless. i'm trying to not lose myself in the thought that this is how it's going to be forever. i want to create again, to dream and think and breathe again. there are moments among the fog where i do live and breathe and enjoy--i have a partner now, who was a friend of a few years first, and he brings me so much joy, and helps me love myself in ways i didn't think i was capable of. but by and large every day is a struggle where i am relearning how to live. how to feed myself and care for myself and exist in a way where i am not crushing myself to survive.

i hope i can get to a place where i can do the things i want to do again. i want to run tabletops again--but the thought of organizing something weekly, for multiple people, and creating and responding to things on the fly, makes me physically hurt. i want to draw and paint again--but i pick up anything and stare at the paper or ipad for hours and then sigh and turn things off. i think of words in the shower and run to write--but then i open the document and everything is gone. i feel like i'm in limbo, in some kind of purgatory, trying to crawl my way out. but at least i'm not in the inferno anymore.

[petrichorvoices]

it is my system anniversary today, meaning i've been in this system for 6 years now. which is absolutely wild. it feels like it's been both a great deal less time than that and a great deal longer than that. i can't imagine anymore what it was like to not be in this system, but i also only just got here yesterday

i got us through the tail end of junior high, i got us through high school, i got us through the start of university. i got us through the worst of the body's parents' bullshit, i got us through the neglect. i got us through worsening disability when we didn't understand what was going on and i got us through psychotic episodes and i got us through a summer where we daily were drowning in our greatest fear and i got us out of the house we grew up in

idk i'm just emotional about it!! most of these years i spent frontstuck, i think four and a half? where i was the Only one in main front, 24/7, and i desperately wanted out and then one day it just happened. and it's been a year and a half since then but it's still Wild to me, like, oh, wow, i actually got out. i actually got out!!!

and yet even though it's been a year and a half, we're still finding things that we thought were collective but no, turns out they're just a Cecil thing, like my penchant for humming made-up songs as a vocal stim, or the way i dance around when i walk, or the way i talk to inanimate objects. we thought these were Petrichor things, turns out they're mostly Cecil things. it's kind of surreal to me, to be able to draw that line of separation, when for so long i felt trapped in this perception of being the "default" headmate, when for so long i had that foggy sense in the back of my mind that i didn't know what was me and what was us

and Jon and i were talking about this last night but it's odd to both of us that i, having been here for 6 years, am considered one of the older members. i mean we've absolutely got older members in several of the sidesystems but so long we just. didn't know that. and we do have members in Petrichor Voices that have been here longer than i have as well, of course, but are they still active? no, they really aren't. there's a couple other members who have been here 6 years as well who are still active, but not to the same degree that i am. and that's just. idk it's wild!!!

[safyresky]

Scrimbly Jacqueline 52/52: She's not waiting anymore...

AHAHAHA! AHHH! AHH! I AM SO DELIGHTED WITH THIS ONE!

(this is such a long text dump omg I am SO SORRY)

It was ORIGINALLY just going to be panel 4! My idea was "Jacqueline enjoying an end of year/christmas snowfall" but then. My brain went, omg, she's waiting at the window, THE WINDOW Dani. What if. What if we did a comparison. From when she was little and waiting and Jack didn't come to like, now, and Jack DOES come?? WHAT IF. WHAT IF WE ADDED LIKE, A BIT WHERE THE PARENTS BRING HER SLEEPING BUTT TO BED. BC SHE FELL ASLEEP WAITING FOR HIM. BECAUSE HE NEVER CAME. AND THEN. JACK ARRIVING 1400 YEARS LATER. WHAT IF. DANI WHAT IF

And I went, "Dani! That's insane. Let's do it."

AND VOILA

You can see why it took me so insanely long, this thing was a JOURNEY lmaoooo I sketched it at work like, FIRST WEEK OF JANUARY, and then I spent the last week and a half to two weeks slowly inking it and colouring it! I'm insanely, INSANELY proud of this one. I love it so much. It's so delightful. I'm just. LOOK AT THIS FACE.

BLORBO SHAPED! SHE'S SO CUTE! WHO COULD HURT HER! SHE'S JUST SO HAPPY TO BE HANGING WITH HER BIG OLD BRO! :D

okokok. Let me take you on my wip journey, omg, okay (I had so much fun with this y'all don't even KNOWWWWW)

sketched them over two to three days? Once I got back into work and got paper again it was OVER for these hoes

was ENTHRALLED with Blaise in sketch two. I was like omg he looks so good. so HOT. I did that. NICE.

Man. He kinda looks cravat shaped.

SHOULD I CRAVAT AND COAT TAILS THIS MAN? Lemme ask the general populous

cravat won

he kinda deflated a bit in number 3?? idk how, but anyway

I am INSANELY proud of his hair (deffs have @lmelodie to thank for THAT lmao, mind the tag boo! They way you draw Blaise's hair delights me and I'm kinda glad I was able to sorta replicate it, ESPESH WITH THE COLOURS! Also, thank you for drawing my blorbos so FUCKING GOOD AND INSPIRING ME! OKAY THANKS FOR COMING TO MY DANI TALK 💕)

almost forgot to grey said hair in numero 3 lmaoooooo

how could he NOT have greys at this point given Jack's EVERYTHING

WINTER.

you guys. MY ASS forgot she was FROZEN so I drew her hair THAWED

Was having a whole crisis about how you can't make black hair black you need a lighter black/darker purple or blue or smth and I didn't have a suitable marker when I realize oh, oh SHIT this is POST DoD she is FROZEN. THAT HAIR SHOULD BE FROZEN!

rectified that in numero 3! :)

had a LOT of fun with the little details in Blinter's fits. You guys, the thin tip cheap metallic markers I got at Local Hobby Store were a GOOD DECISION

okay. bb jacquie. she's so cute, what the fuck

I am SO PROUD of how her little peets turned out. LOOK AT THOSE LINES! IT LOOKS REALISTICALLY LIKE THE BOTTOM OF A LIL FOOT TO MY CARTOONY STYLED DOODLES ASS!!!

she is so smol :( and so sad :( and so lonely :( she misses her big bro :( she is so little :( what the fuck is happening :(

THEN ONTO THE COMFORT PART OF THE HURT!

So let me tell you guys about that damn window okay. I...had a lot of fun with it

You can SEE the PROGRESSION LMAO

Note how I forgot the pillows but added a snowball fight and snowman

I may go back and add the snowball fight and snowman to panel 1 of the comfort part I love it so much

I got so into doodling the exterior deets that I completely forgot to add in the pillows and that's FINE because LOOK AT THAT OUTSIDE! IT'S LIVELY! IT'S GOT ACTIVITY! THERE IS WARMTH AND LIFE AND LOVE AGAIN! IT'S ABOUT THE HEALINGGGGGG

(I drafted this post last night at 1am. can you tell. I sure can)

(NO RAGRETS)

BUT YEAH IT WAS SO FUN DOING THE OUTSIDE and then I got to little Jack

WHOA NELLY.

That was hard to do! Things to work on: perspective. BUT! I did my best and I'm quite fond of paper jam Jack there

heehee

ANYWAY. JACQUELINE'S PANTS ARE NEXT ON MY LIST

I was trying to recreate the effect I did on the FIRST bb Jacqueline in this ol thang!

I'd used one of my metallic markers (thicc boy not the new ones I think) that sometimes has too much ink on it to drop a blob and then spread it to get the effect

but I couldn't fucking remember what I used to spread it. White pencil crayon? The blenders? Metallic white-thin tip? Brush tip?

This is bc I did that first Jacqueline LAST THURSDAY and the fourth Jacqueline THIS past Thursday or Wednesday, I believe

In the end I ended up grabbing the metallic blue pencil crayon and using that as the base, then whooshing over it with the white brush tip and THEN using the blender/v light blue watercolour marker.

(Cursed the powers that be that I didn't think of it sooner! lmao)

the pants are supposed to be the same ones from the fit she wore as a bb bc that's what she got stabbed in and B-Man fixed em up for her and they grew with her and SYMBOLISM or something

They were her favourite jammies and still are lol

her sweater is based on yet another Dani sweater! idk man. she steals my clothes, I buy clothes because of her, we are a functioning ecosystem

WE'RE SEPARATE PEOPLE I SWEAR

OKAY SO! I HAD A TREMENDOUS ACCIDENTAL FUCK UP IN THE SECOND TO LAST ONE THAT HAD ME LIKE :O FOR A SOLID 5-10 SECONDS BUT WAS ABLE TO FIX!

You can't even see it but I HAVE to share it it was wildin

I opened the purple to colour her sweater, it slipped out of my hands, and gave her a purple streak

I was like. :O!! marker still in my hand as I QUICK FAST CAUGHT IT

Went for the metallic white SO FAST and was able to COVER IT

But if you SQUINT, DESPITE ME UPPING THE CONTRAST AND SATURATION AS PER THE USUAL (my scanner always dulls the colours), I THINK YOU CAN F A I N T L Y SEE IT!

HANDS AND POSES HANDS AND POSES

Jacqueline is very dynamic and I'm happy for once it SHOWS. Her poses in the second half of this thing were so fun to do!

Her HANDSSSSSS

I used to be like FUCK HANDS but I feel u artists friends, they ARE fun to draw! Finally positioning them where I want always has me DELIGHTED

Her waving hand looks a little off but at least it looks like she's waving now! Originally when I sketched it it was giving tenth doctor and rose tyler touching the wall through dimensions vibes

but now it's giving "THERE'S THE BIG BOTHER, GET IN HERE ASSHOLE, YOUR COCOA IS GETTING COLD! LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE YEARLY LEGATE MEETING GOOD LADY ABOVE--"

And her hand holding the rim of her mostly empty mug in the final panel. It turned out SO GOOD

but see. I have this PROBLEM

When lining I don't think about what thing covers what thing. I'm not thinking in LAYERS

which is why you can SEE the window through the curtains or the cup through Jacqueline's hand and so on and so forth

I need to start thinking in layers

THINGS TO IMPROVE ON!!

anyway, it's getting late and I need SLEEP so I'll cut it here for now and review in the morning to see if I wanna add anything, which will just be popped in below this bullet point if I think of anything!

Which of course I DID lmao

I turned to Richard and was like WHAT IS THE FUNNIEST SOCK COLOUR JACK COULD WEAR

Richard said BRIGHT ORANGE LIKE HIS DAD'S FIT!

And I went HAHA YES WE LOVE TO SEE THE BLAISE-FLUENCE LET'S GOOO

I had like the perfect caption for this scrimble like. A week ago; I did NOT write it down.

I think?? What I put?? Is closest to it? I am pretty sure it had to do with no longer waiting

I also briefly thought the caption "how nice to no longer be alone" or "how nice to not be alone anymore" but that WASN'T it, as poetically nice as it sounds, it was DEFFS something to do with the ding dang waiting but I CAN'T REMEMBER! AH!

I also had no idea how to format these? but the side by side was my fave overall so I went for it :)

HOPEFULLY when you looked at it, you got it read in the right order!

And didn't go the usual comic order bc otherwise this may have been low key confusing 😅

okay right NOW I think that's about it! :)

Scrimbly Jacquelines have been SO FUN. I am so glad for this post and glad for all the cs art the amazing people I am so happy to call my friends have done! It's been so inspiring, and I'm in love with CS all over again and am so, so happy I STUCK TO THIS NEW YEARS RESOLUTION! It's been so, so, fun, and just, thank you artist friends for being so god damn inspirational 💕💕 I love and appreciate you all! I'm gonna keep making shitty little scrimbles and silly sketches, I just. I LOVE IT! I LOVE MARKERS AND SILLY CHARACTERS AND AHHH!

[icharchivist]

i don't know how to say it because i'm not super good at drawing boundaries but sometimes you guys get overexcited and can be a bit too mean, and while i can't ask for everyone to like, read the mood, it does feel really disheartening when i'm clearly being emotional or tired that it's completely irrelevent if you want to have your fun.

and i'm sorry no, "you can answer later" doesn't cut it when i can like, have enough energy to indulge in answering one ask and then everyone suddenly start to decide it means it's the right moment to fly in and really go ham about it. and nevertheless i will see the notification, i will see the message in my activity page, i always clearly see when i'm posting emotional stuff and there's a long ask about horny headcanons dropping right afterward. Sure I can ignore the ask for later to answer but that doesn't change the initial feeling of disconnect.

it still is my blog, it's still is the place i manage and have been throwing my thoughts randomly in the void mostly for over ten years, it's really touching and humbling that you have found yourselves at peace talking with me and it's genuinely sweet at times, but eventually it adds this level of stress when i am just not in the mood or clearly doing something else and then the inbox gets to explode regardless, or about it even.

I'm not asking you to care about what i do or anything like that but this is a difficult position to be on for me and ngl it really does feel like at times it just totally disregards my feelings.

Like i spent the evening of the day i was talking about going through an emotional moment out of the death of one of my fav chara of all time, having to answer multiple horny asks. And like, i thought answering one or two wouldn't hurt at first but eventually it's when i was 10 asks in that it really sunk in and i started to feel really depressed.

I'm glad you have fun here and i do joke about being a clown putting on a show, but this isn't really a joke anymore when i genuinely feel like you go ham like that without consideration about how i could be feeling because you decided to come and and hit the funny box. Unlike any of you who can go on with their day or can decide not to read things, i have to read everything that comes into my inbox eventually.

It's really difficult to articulate because it's usually not so bad, it's been a whole ton of fun and i don't know how to word it in a way that wouldn't just scare people of. and a lot of the problem is more in the fact that there's a lot of you and what can be 2/3 asks you may send sometimes add up to 50 asks a day, if not more, and if it's less it's because i carefully been offline trying not to blog about anything unless it blows off again.

But getting the feeling that i'm an entertainer who has to always be ready for the direction you guys want to take regardless of what i may be doing or feeling is starting to genuinely weight on me.

idk how to fix it, it's not like i want you guys to just stop messaging all together, and i can't ask for this type of attentiveness, but a little consideration would be nice once in a while without me having to be hyper explicit about why i wouldn't feel up to the task, especially since i do have the habit to carry on regardless of my discomfort and only realize way later that i've been pushing myself then.

Like idk just. just chill a little?

[h0pelessdaydreams]

letter to a friend(?)

dear M,

i'm not sure where to start, there's so much shit that has been happening that i don't even know whats going on anymore. so first off, sometimes you're not being blunt, you're just being mean. and i know you're not aware of that. i know you full heartedly believe that you are "just being blunt". S told everyone about everything and i think it was long overdue, she deserves to express her feelings just like you do. at first i tried to convince her to keep it between our apartment, i didn't want everyone involved because that only complicates things more. but i realized that she has been treated unfairly and she deserves to say speak up about it. why didn't she communicate with you? because it's hard to be vulnerable to someone who is always judging. you lack consideration and empathy - and i have many examples. yes, i know that i have also been annoyed at S at times. and yes J has also been annoyed at S at times. but we're all human, humans are annoying and they get annoyed. S is self aware and trying to be better. i think you are painting her as the villain because you don't have the patience and empathy to understand her. i think shit has been building up and i haven't been able to talk to you about it because i'm quite literally scared of you. sometimes i'm scared to even share with you things that i find exciting because i'm not sure if i'm going to be met with pure judgement. 'EW" seems to be a common reaction. first let me cover all of your complaints about S. see, i went home to escape all this and yet you guys can't seem to stop putting me in the middle. and before i start, let me preface by saying i am aware that J and i have complained about S being clingy - i will address this at the end.

you are annoyed at S for always being at home and always sitting in the common room. your exact words were "idk why shes always sitting there". then you accused her of not having work to do and not being busy. you keep bringing up the fact that she doesn't have a job and that her major is easy.

you are annoyed at S for not buying toilet paper/dish soap/other home things

you are annoyed at S for being obsessed with taking photos

you are annoyed at S for not letting you know that J is coming over. you are also annoyed that J keeps coming over

you are annoyed at S for being touchy drunk.

My response:

i hope you realize when you take a dig at her major, you are also taking a dig at me. you also don't know her. you don't know what she has going on, you don't know what she's doing, you simply don't know anything. just because someone is doing something different doesn't mean that they're "not doing anything". plus, the common room is shared. technically she is allowed to stay there whenever she wants, it's called a COMMON room. she also is very passionate about her artwork and the reason she sits there all day is because she is working on her artwork. i'm sure you've seen the talent she has, i'm sure you realize the amount of time that goes into those drawings. she just sits there, she never bothers you, she never speaks to you, she's always minding her own business. i think this complaint of yours is getting old. you have a single room, you don't want to be near anyone? go in your room.

S has bought toilet paper/dish soap. S is so generous. In fact, you keep accusing her of not buying stuff for the home. and when i told you that yes, she bought it last week, you were so reluctant on believing me and so reluctant on paying her back. Now, let's talk about you. I was the one who paid for the last few times. S covered it last week and this week. You have never paid for anything. i know this because I bought the $60 worth of supplies last time and i said no need to get me back, just get it next time. somehow you must've confused that with you paying for it. not sure how, perhaps you spent all your brain cells hating and not remembering.

yes, we all agree S is obsessed with taking photos (to a sometimes annoying amount). but that is a passion of hers and i truly see how happy she is when she takes these photos. i know i have contributed my fair share of talk about this and i've definitely yapped about how i was annoyed, but i'm realizing that hating on something someone is SO exited about is the most disrespectful and inconsiderate thing to do. i think simply telling her nicely "hey i dont want more photos right now" would send the message without bringing down her spirit.

we all thought J was all of our friend, so clearly S didn't think it was a big deal J was coming over. Plus, J stays in my room. On top of that, even when J is down in the common area...we live in a two story two bedroom apartment and you have your own apartment so if you don't feel like interacting with your own friends, maybe just go into your room. J keeps coming over because that's what friends do. She lives an hour away, sometimes we don't plan on hanging out until so late and i would never let her drive an hour home so late at night, ESPECIALLY when she's under the influence. i'm sorry seeing us hanging out and being happy together gets under your nerves.

if you have such a problem with S touching you when she's drunk, maybe you should tell her that you don't like being touched. and if you did already do that, then you are valid for being annoyed at her for crossing your boundaries. but i don't think you've told her that you aren't comfortable with being touched.

Now let me address some of my own concerns with how i'm being treated. let me preface, this is how i feel. i'm not accusing you of actually thinking these things but this is how your actions and words come off.

you constantly look down on me, you speak as if i am under you. you constantly take digs at me and cover it as a joke. this shit gets old, i'm over it. when i was comforting you after you told me you had imposters syndrome, i said "no you're such a hard worker", you replied "well compared to you definiitely". respectfully, shut up. and you consistently tell me that my major is easier than yours. you can think whatever. keep having this high horse shit and see how far it gets you.

anything i'm excited about or interested in, and i share with you, your reaction is almost always "EW. No." and you say it in the most judgemental way, as if i'm the dumbest bitch alive. i'm tired of feeling stupid. i guess we can agree to disagree on everything. i'm just going to accept you are a hater.

you see me as your little bitch. you know i have problems saying no to things, you know i feel bad for not helping people out, you know i don't like asking people for money... and you fully take advantage of that. the coffee i buy is pretty expensive...i am not rich. i let you drink it and i say you don't have to buy it or pay me back, but i was assuming you wouldn't drink it everyday. you keep asking me "send me the link to it, i'll get it next time", fully knowing i wouldn't send you the link. it is so easy to find. S found it, why can't you. here i was thinking you were smarter than her since you keep acting like you're above S. Anyways, a more recent example: you made S go buy toilet paper even when she bought it last time. you told her you were busy, meanwhile you were home the entire time. anyways, S told us to zelle her and you asked me to pay for your behalf because you don't have zelle. you said you will venmo me. and i did. and i texted the group chat "S, i just zelled you 10". Then you have the audacity to privately text me asking how much you owe me when i literally just told the group chat. you knew if you asked me i would be like no its okay. it's just shit like this. i don't understand why you can't be thoughtful. i just dont get it. but you do you. keep being cheap stingy and inconsiderate - i'm sure that makes you SUCH a lovable person.

when i vent about certain things, especially when i'm just having a mental breakdown and don't actually mean what im saying, you are never comforting and you always make me feel worse than before i talked to you. when i was ranting about how maybe i should just marry rich (because i had a tough day of school and work). you told me that i am unmotivated and that you HATE people like me. you said you could never be friends with someone unmotivated like that. you said i had no ambition. well let me tell you something, i would rather be called lazy and unambitious then a raging fucking cunt.

you don't know me. you make so many assumptions about me (and my family) but you don't know shit. you never even stop to think about what people might be going through, you just assume and act like you know everything. whatever, i dont care about how you perceive me anymore.

i did everything i could to make you feel better when you were going through a tough time. i left work and made you a gift basket filled with snacks from trader joes, i ran home and delivered it to you. i don't know why i did that. and i did that without expecting anything in return ever. however, when i was going through a hard time, i was met with a bitchy attitude and a stank face for the entire week. all you needed was to be nice and you couldn't even do that.

you use me as if i'm just a fucking charity. offering me up to people and everything. like when you told C that she can use my car to practice but not yours because mine is old so it doesnt matter if something happens to it. or like when you told someone else that i would be more than happy to design her website. you keep making promises on my behalf when i'm not even there. then you call me and say "i told ____, i'm sure you'll be fine with it". what the fuck am i supposed to say to that. this is nothing against them. i'm cool with it i dont give a fuck, but what's so IRRITATING is that you keep promising people on my behalf. who the fuck do you think you are.

for my senior project, initially i was going to design a magazine and i told you i was going to feature you. then when i changed my idea you acted all disappointed and made every effort to tell me you don't like my new idea. it's MY fucking senior project, sit down. then you have the audacity to say shit like "aww you're not featuring me?". well now i'm not. because S won't be a part of it if you are. and no offense but S always brings the vibe and energy and you almost always bring it down. at least at the last few parties. Stop acting like you have authority over me.

the alcohol situation. S told me that you asked her to go with you to go get alcohol. then she paid for the alcohol and you gave it to all the people you invited. none of you paid her back. and you know what, i know S usually doesn't care, she's very giving. however, isn't it so fucking hypocritical that you're always nitpicking about her not buying toilet paper when you and your friends can drink all her alcohol without paying her a dime. also, i heard you asked S to take photos for you guys. i thought you were annoyed at her for taking photos? or is it that you're only annoyed when she asks you to take photos of her but you love it when she takes photos of you. so yes, i understand S's frustration with you.

there's so much more, i cant think right now.

going back to S. yes i know the first time we had this conflict, i defended you. i told S she was looking too much into it and that you are a great friend. i was hoping i was right. yes i know that S has her flaws, and i have my flaws, we all do. at the end of the day S is like a little sister. she can be annoying at times but she is kind and sweet. sometimes my patience is tested, but she is a nice person. i think everybody would agree. i think i'm starting to realize you don't consider other people's feelings. you lack empathy. you lack patience you lack understanding. sometimes, you are straight up being a bitch and you say you're just being blunt...but no, blunt and mean are different. being blunt helps the other person. being blunt is constructive feedback. being mean hurts the other person.

it's hard for me to get over the joshua tree situation. i understand wanting to keep the trip with a small group. but S is our suitemate, she is MY roommate. not only did you not want to invite her but you didn't even want to let her know that we'd be gone. that is evil. that is so mean. she will wake up and we will both be gone, have you ever even tried to put yourself in her shoes...how would that make you feel. i had to tell S. and when i broke it to you that i told S, you were annoyed and mad at me. "why would you do that" you asked. idk, maybe because i have empathy. i wouldn't want people to do that to me and so i'm not doing that to S. i wasn't inviting her. i was simply letting her know we will be gone during which days. i think that is basic respect.

my friends N and N both did not fuck with your vibe when they met you. when N was over and S, N, and i were watching TV. we made sure it wasn't loud so it won't bother you upstairs. the volume was on 5. we could barely hear it. and when i went up to use the bathroom, i couldn't hear anything. however, you came down and we asked out of courtesy if we need to lower the volume (we didn't think we needed to because we could barely hear but we still asked out of respect). you told us we had to lower the volume. i know for a fact you were lying, you can't even hear it upstairs. it seems you just wanted to ruin our time a little bit, you just wanted to dig at S. both N and N thinks you're crazy and fyi, she doesn't fuck with that bitchy attitude. you don't have to pretend to be all smiley and bubbly all the time, but be respectful. a basic smile and greeting will do. no need for any conversation, just respect.

about J coming over...that whole situation is just silly. you said "i am overwhelmed with multiple overnight guests"...the multiple overnight guests being your own mother and your friend J. plus, it is a two story apartment and you have your own room. While i'm gone, J sleeps in my bed. i don't see how she would be in your way. idk, just not that deep. and that message you sent J...you made it a wayy bigger deal than it is.

let me conclude by saying that i have my flaws too. yes, i should stop letting myself be stepped on. i should tell you to pay me back. i should ask you to buy your own coffee. i know you are a little slow in the head so maybe i need to directly ask you these things. see if someone let me drink their coffee, i won't be asking them for the link. i will find it myself without asking or being asked to, and i will buy it for them out of common courtesy. if someone texts the group chat how much they paid for me, i won't be manipulative and take advantage of their kindness. but i realize that people like you exist, and i recognize that yes i put myself in this situation. i shoud stop being so generous because the world is full of stupid people who take advantage of that. i know that know. i should not expect you to do things i would do for others. we are not the same. and let me also conclude that money is not a big deal. i am not stingy, i am not that person who is soooo nitpicky about it. but it's just the obvious fact that you are using and taking advantage of me.

anyways, ending with an apology. sorry you can't be a part of my music video shoot. i think i am content with my current cast. and i think they all fit the vibe and feel of the project.

well, wish you the best. please let me have peace for my last month in that apartment. please please please.

[teardew]

-

im thinking about making a patreon because i .. uh .. i cant justify drawing for myself anymore and its killing me lmao

it takes me really long to draw so any time i hav should be spent on comms... iv been trying to fight off burnout by drawing things i like inbetween commissions like that sv anatomy practice and vampire/werewolf mngling was just for me but it still ended up setting me behind schedule because i had to rest my eyes and wrist afterward. but not only that i also wanna like. make a lot more things ...

like i wanna do animal, insect, architectural, jewelry studies and fashion and character design explorations and try designing icon packs and branch out trying embroidery with mixed media and clothes making and get into making like 3d things with clay and soft sculptures. i wanna make historical fashion coloring books with việt phục and fashion zines ...

also theres a lot of stuff i dont post bc im not sure if anyone would be interested in all the design concepts and notes i had for example the homestuck dreamer outfits or the various sha hualing designs and sketches i had before getting to the thing i posted? like i hav a bunch of different sqh outfit and hair designs but theyr more clothing based and not detailed character/face art ...

idk !! it sounds like an excuse. its like, who cares just post it ! i know i shouldnt value my art by the amount of numbers i get from posting on social media and i dont mostly but its kinda unavoidable ? to me ? i know i only post fanart and ppl follow me for that and its not a bad thing ! being realistic i just dont think anybody but me would be interested in it ??

i dont know. god. i dont know what this post is about. ''i dont think anybody would be interested in the things i really wanna make'' but im thinking about making a patreon for things i really wanna make anyway because thats the only way i can justify it is if i can profit off it in some way. i dont really want to, but with my financial circumstances i dont know. i never wanted to make my livelihood off my art. i dont even consider or call myself an ''artist'' really, i just want to MAKE art

i dont know why i still cant find a steady job after 5 months applying to everything and its making me miserable. its embarassing, they say to be persistent with jobs but calling and even walking in to check on applications and watching employers awkwardly try to turn me away without just flat out telling me no even though none of them hire me is an exercise in public humiliation. how bad do you want a job? bad enough to make a fool of myself with nothing to show for it. and i want to make art for myself to cope but it takes too much time and time is money

maybe this post is about my art anxiety under capitalism. i dont know

i think im safe enough now to admit my friends gofundme i was posting about months ago about helping their friend escape their abusive household was actually my gofundme because i was worried about them finding out and preventing me from leaving or internet stalking me afterwards. i did hav a scare when i got a phone call i thought was from my brother but ended up being a police officer, whos my mother's friend ...

but anyways. me admitting this is just to give context that. i ran hundreds of miles away from financial security and everything i ever knew and im still struggling to find steady income nearly half a year later. i just dont understand what im doing wrong. is it my name? is it because im not from here? iv been working continuously ever since i could legally my resume isnt BAD. am i just stupid? should i have just tried to make peace with my lot in life?

i thought getting away from my family would let me be in a better place to create more art, thats one of the things i was so excited about but this feels just as stressful as when i was the only earner supporting my family during covid. i just want a stable job so i can make art. i dont want making art to be my Job. i dont want to be a ''starving artist'' begging for people to care about my art i just want to make art. but fuck i dont know how to sustain any of this

sorry for this mess. insurance is different out here and i havnt been able to find a psych either so its not like i can talk about this in therapy instead of venting on my art blog. all my life i wanted to make things without the fear of it all being destroyed. the main reason i havnt branched out from illustrations is because its entirety can be saved digitally even if its physically ruined. my sketchbooks were thrown away or ripped apart by my family either from carelessness or anger to hurt me but now that im finally enough safe to have them again or make something i can hold in my hands without the fear that someone will come in break it and make me clean up its corpse i cant afford it

i dont know what to do. is it worth it? is making art worth it? i mean. its worth the rent this month. and i still love drawing god this is probably bad for business because i dont want people to feel bad for commissioning me or anything but not to be dramatic why does it feel like im fucking dying

[daatyichudnik]

would like to stop feeling like i peaked at what was fully my lowest point by soooo many metrics but like.... i had friends and i enjoyed þings and i believed þe future would be a beautiful place if i could make it þere

and i just. don't. anymore. i'm not sure i am capable of feeling actual pleasure in anyþing for more þan a fleeting moment. i objectively have people in my life now who i should be able to consider friends but i just... Don't. really. bc þey clearly have oþer people. bc i don't. idk. i barely even feel relief at completing stuff. i rarely feel pride or investment or anything. it's so weird bc i know i come off as enþusiastic and passionate and active to ppl when im wiþ þem but þen i go home and i am immediately once again in a pit of despair where i feel empty and listless and. y'know what. i feel exactly how i always have just More and i have none of þe þings i once had to keep it at bay. i am terrified i have utterly destroyed any chance i could have had at growing up to be happy and fulfilled or at all remotely stable and whatever bc i wiþdrew into a bubble of people i believed was unpoppable and i fully don't know how to be happy wiþout all þat. idk. anoþer post for no one but my þerapist þat i feel i should not post bc i feel so anxious and stupid ever posting anyþing anywhere about what i am þinking or feeling bc i tied my mind and heart to people who are long gone and a place þat doesn't exist anymore and i am terrified i am simply too old to ever again make a True Friend. someone i feel at home wiþ.

i spent all day at an event yesterday and i feel lonelier þan ever. whats þe fucking point of any of it i just dont care about anyþing like i used to like im stuck only capable of feeling stuff partway bc my heart broke and þey took most of þe pieces. cant write or draw what i want cant even þink it up so much of þe time fully. þoughts remain half formed and grotesque and trying to make þem real doesn't make me feel good at sll. i dont enjoy process or destination for nearly everyþing i do or once did.

i'm so fucking. lonely. happy fucking birþday.

[apollonouta]

I sincerely keep thinking I'm only 29. I know that's not the youngest age or the saddest, but I'm only 29 and my body is failing me so systemically that I'm no longer slipping through the cracks of the system and am on the "you will never recover" side. I have goals? I'm only 29. What if I die? All of my dreams are actually very inaccessible for someone in my position.

Am I supposed to live my life in this bed? Forever? Is this it? Who gets this sad over surprise money? I just spent money I didn't have any that was given to me on anime merch and now the high from that is completely gone.

Everything is getting better for me. I'm not passing out anymore now that I'm on stimulants, ive made new friends who are much kinder to me than I could ever hope for, my irl bestie is going to help me and I get to help her bc now she can quit all her other shitty jobs and make 2x as much annually. She said she'll join all the silly classes I wanna join. We're supposed to reread Miki falls and start a book club. Soon I'll be able to have my kid overnight again. My exams were rescheduled, I got a month long break from school, I've been playing games, I got new merch, I have surprise money. My landlord gave me a flexible pay schedule, my neighbor gave Vivi a free bike, I got my porn phone so I didn't feel guilty, I got my porn tablet and have been drawing. My bed is made, I saw my favorite band who came all the way from my home town. I found a good app for my fics. Soon I will meet my favorite seiyuu and an online friend. I should be so very, very happy.

Even with the heart attack in the ER and multi day admission. I should be happy. I should be grateful for all the good in my life. I keep forgetting many people care about me, and many people are trying to help me. I don't want to be this sad and afraid. I want to be happy. Whenever I get sad about being stuck in bed, my therapist always points out the work that I do here and stuff but it's like.

I keep beating this dead horse but I'm not supposed to be in bed this much just to feel healthy. The fact that lying down is the only way I feel relatively normal - it's just. Idk. I'm gonna try to have a better mindset about all of this. I just need to grieve and than to crazy. I'm waiting for mania. I keep waiting to feel manic so I can at least feel alive. Ive been waiting for that for weeks, and it hasn't shown up yet which worries me. Usually when I'm this sad the mania kicks in like a survival instinct but this time I'm just sad.

Maybe I'm not masturbating enough.

[dimonds456]

.

i just wanna feel okay. i just wanna move on. i just wanna be able to go a fucking month without thinking about her. all her memory does is give me massive anxiety, and fear, and dread, and i never realize it's coming from her memory until something triggers it again.

i fucking hate this. i know i have ptsd. i have SOME form of it. idk of it's the normal one or c-ptsd or some secret third thing but i'm not exaggerating, and i'm not faking it, and i'm just so fucking tired of fighting it.

it's not even about her. last summer, i almost died. i straight-up barely made it through. and my illness has been affecting me since middle school. my first experience with seeing stars was caused by my thyroid fucking up. my heart rate has been over 200 several times. i don't know how i haven't had a fucking heart attack and keeled over yet.

it's bound to happen. but also not. we're not tied down by fate, there's no such thing. self-fulfilling prophecies yes, and butterfly's wings flap and suddenly you're on the run from the law, yes. but it's not fate, it's an intricate web of cause and effect to get you there.

what caused this in me?

no one fucking knows. i'm tired, and i'm queer, and i'm disabled, but able-passing, and i'm hurt, and traumatized, and guilty of so many things no other living soul knows about, and i'm struggling with religion again and hating myself for it, and i just want to feel okay.

i just want a day where i don't have graves. a day where i can run as fast as i want, and a day where i won't fall over for it, and a day where i can lay on my stomach and pick grass in a field where it's warm or even hot but i'm not uncomfortable, or i want to be able to play tag with my brother, or just go a single fucking day where nothing matters and i can just.... exist.

i want to be alive.

i can't see my future. i can't see where i'll be in ten years. i spent last summer wondering if i'd see 2023. i'm here, and i made it to my 20's (something i didn't think was possible when i was 14), so now, i just gotta get to my 30's, right? but... there's so much shit going on. where will i be at 30? is it even worth thinking about? surely, yes, since the future is important, but... i can't see it. i can't see it, and if i can, the only reliable thing i see is loneliness. i'm always alone, sitting on a couch, touch-starved, watching tv and not even drawing. my hand got fucked up somewhere along the way, cuz of course it was, and i can't do anything.

they say that dreams are a reflection of the subconscious. that whatever reality we don't want to face, it comes out in dreams. but if that's true, why does she keep haunting them? is she in my future?

i want to be alive. i am alive. alive, i tell you.

.....but for how long?

it feels like i'm waiting for a clock to count down, that the people who say that we only breathe a certain number of times in our lives are right and my limit's almost up. i'm going to fall asleep, and not wake up, and no one will even notice for a few days because i'm already a hermit who prefers staying inside because the sun makes me feel awful and even when i'm inside that's when i get eaten alive by just, everything.

i got this far in life by being positive. i can continue to do that. but, my positivity has also blinded me to the bad before, and pretty much every relationship i've ever had has turned sour in some way because i refused to acknowledge a person's faults or express when i was uncomfortable until i couldn't stand it anymore. i wanna lay boundaries, but not upset people. i wanna hold a friendship for more than two years without it rotting away like an old maple leaf downed in acid. i hate thinking about my past, but i also love talking about it because i always think that imparting my bad experiences will help people somehow, even if it hurts me to think about it, but i should think about it, otherwise it'll fester and come out later.

i need therapy, but i can't get it. i'm alone.

i'm alone in my head. i'm alone in this room. i'm alone in this city. i'm alone in my pain, and my struggles, and i'm alone in my life. i feel like i attract bad people and hurt the good ones. i can't maintain a good friendship unless it's online. i'm going to be all alone, by myself, with no one to really reach to when my body finally fails me and i'm left to thrash around by myself.

i need to go to bed.

[shorkbrian]

Prelude - I need to stop catching sight of poetry on my explore page lol. This is entirely self-indulgent and very specific cause I’m rotting thru life rn and so if u dislike I understand lol. When I was in the hospital this last time it sucked rlly bad and like the awful horny degenerate I was I kept thinking abt Kirishima and soft sweet Sugawara idk lol

Pairing - Death god Kirishima x Reader

Warnings - Suicide, suicide attempt, no smut. Death. Drunk Drivers. Yandere but only a little bit and cause I can’t voluntarily accept love it has to be forced bc I cannot handle the thot of someone who is sane loving me bc there is no freaking way lol

Music - https://open.spotify.com/track/5Iy1wdO0tMaHwKnfFYtlel?si=-vqod-W6SHia8ui2Hdl_9g 

Adding this one bc it’s like one of my favorites and I wish god I wish and I hope that this year is better than the last amen lol also there’s nothing more sad to me than someone pleading and begging and crying for the year to treat you nicely like bitch u okay? no. the answer is no.

https://open.spotify.com/track/0xRO7EKgYKVB8zKIoiXMDD?si=HYBaiBzjRGmQwfCHgnTUxA

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“It hurts.” You had told him, as the entity sat at the end of your hospital bed.

He often sank heavily onto the nearest surface, as if his bones ached with the weight of his body. You saw him often during those first few days in the hospital, days spent puking up pills, every move you made monitored, doctors and nurses scolding you about the severity of your actions.

You didn’t think they could see the hulking figure that comforted you.

“I”ve heard that it’s supposed to.” The red god of death would think aloud.

“I don’t want it then.” Tears upon your cheeks, soft, misty. “Take it.”

“Your life?” A nod would affirm his question, but the red god would shake his head. “I am no thief. Not a hunter, simply a gatherer of souls. I won’t take what doesn’t belong to me.”

“Then it’s yours, have my life. A gift, from me to you. Don’t make me live it any longer…..”

His sadness would show in his eyes.

But the soul-crushing hugs that were provided were admittedly a tiny bit nice.

“You’re far too sweet for your own good. I’ll receive your life when the time is right, not before.”

“But I don’t want it!” You sobbed into his shoulder, the god seeming to be your only friend in the world.

Hands stroked along your back, soft shushing sounds as the god attempted to soothe you in the ways he knew how. Soft touches, kind truths. “Many don’t.  But it happens - life happens anyways. All you can do is find the things that make it less painful.”

“That’s not enough, it still hurts. I can’t stand it.” The sobs wracking your body didn’t stop the entity from holding you.

“I know, and I’m sorry.”

——

He’s patient and kind.

Surprising for a god who’s work involves collecting souls as if they were taxes. A job that should be bitter and tiresome, but the entity has infinite softness resting inside of him.

He walks with you, as you get “better“.

You watch him stop to marvel at flowers, to study the way dew drips from trees in little drops, eyes wide and wondering as crows startle from their perches and take off with noisy weeping.

This courtyard is drab and brown, a prison. Safe.

Yet the god of death treats the space gently, with respect. He thanks the old walls for standing, the worn stones beneath your feet. Their service is noted and appreciated. He’s so tender it almost makes you sick.

But you come to realize that he’s simply allowing himself to be vulnerable, to experience the earth and the beings in it.

For as soon as one recognizes vulnerability, which is so different from weakness or tragedy, one experiences a sense of tenderness. Without tenderness, pleasure means nothing. You need only look at the animals to see the truth of that. It is gentleness that distinguishes their playing from the actions they constantly take to ensure their survival.

You ask why he walks with you, why he is so focused on seeing you get “better“.

A soft smile, a meeting of eyes. “There is an end to your pain, sometime and somewhere. It’s most likely not here, not in this place at least-“ and he looks around, at the cold walls, the other sick patients, the staff. All human.

“-It will come. But for now, it’s enough to try and seek it out ourselves.”

You must look more sick than you really are, talking to thin air like that.

——-

Once you return home, the red god writes you letters.

He’s an old soul, an old god. You’re sure if you asked, he’d be able to recount the very first souls he reaped, a man and a woman, sinful and sweet but in love.

The letters help you get out of bed. What new stories or little quips the god has written pique your curiosity, even when you don’t want to move, don’t want to be awake or alive.

He tells you stories about certain souls, how each one is infinitely interesting, how they all interconnect.  How some of them struggle against him, however fruitlessly. But he’s not the one who brought about their death, he’s there to comfort and guide.

Other souls, (“souls like yours” he writes) welcome him, run to his arms like a long lost lover. Their death was terrifying by their own hand, and it hurt. He can’t take away that pain, those memories. The red god says he wishes those souls find peace wherever he must take them afterwards, or at least, some form of contentment.

“The meaning of life is to give life meaning, at least, that’s what seems to be the consensus.” You rip off that part of the letter, hang it on your wall by your bed.  The other letters you keep in your nightstand, content with the knowledge that there are souls out there like you

It’s hard work, creating meaning for yourself.

The red god takes to visiting you between each letter, says he misses you, the way your soul cries. He tells you that he wishes he could help you quiet it, quiet that raging, terrible storm that hurls you about.

You make him cookies - it’s the only way you know how to say thank you. It’s what your mother taught you, so it may not be right, but the god eats them nonetheless. He likes it when you eat with him, feeding you bites from his cookie, wiping chocolate off of your nose, making you laugh with stupid jokes and a mouth stuffed full of cookies.

Even if some of them are too crunchy, or others too soft, all of them imperfect.

Imperfection is the essence of humanity, he tells you, and it’s more fun eating each cookie with the thought that you’re devouring your imperfections, making yourself whole again, filling up the empty spaces in your soul.

——

Eventually, the crawl back to your feet, rise with the unsteadiness of a toddler. You fall frequently, cry often, but you’re able to get up and try again.

Some days you need to bury yourself in sadness, let yourself feel and feel and hurt. Other days are not so bad, but still tinged  with regret and fear and sadness.

The red god is by your side, gives you something to cling to when you waver.

He is always there.

He will be there when you meet your end.

The god is in no hurry.

You question why he wastes his time on you, hours spent reassuring you, talking to you, tucking you in your bed and leaving glasses of water on your nightstand before taking his leave.

Home is a feeling, not a place. Home is with you - that’s what he tells you. You take his breath away, even though he might not even need to breath because he’s the god of death. HIs thoughts muddle and he trips over his feet and can’t help himself from wanting to hold you.

You learn that even gods yearn for home.

He’s capable of feelings and emotions just like any other human. He may be wiser, and older, able to draw from experience and a deep well of wisdom. But he still feels, and feels deeply.

Just as he gives the earth around him such reverence, he extends that same  attitude when he deals with you.

“Everything I see reminds me of you. When I wake and the sun creeps over the mountains, hesitant, it reminds me of the way that you rise - haltingly, yet it happens nonetheless. The flowers in the field that so steadily grow, you’re like ground they take root in, soft and unstable yet still tenable with the potential for growth. I don’t know, I haven’t exactly held such closeness with a human-“

He trails off, but you think you understand.

Maybe you don’t. It’s hard to relate to a god.

——

A confession occurs, and you’re surprised to learn that the blood-red god of death is in love.

“What did my hands do before they held yours? What did my heart do without all of this love? I can’t hold enough of you, I carry such love for you in my heart.”

With a frail, hopeless human nonetheless.

You don’t know what to tell him, how to explain that you can barely take care of yourself right now, meet your own needs.

But the red god seems to know, seems to understand the way your breath hitches and your eyes widen. One more hug, squeezed tight to his chest while he promises nothing has to change.

Things do change, even if you wish them not to. The world doesn’t bow to your whims, nor the death-god’s.

Innocent touches, his hand on your shoulder, patting your head, offering to rub out the tension in your back after you’ve had a crushing day - they don’t feel so innocent anymore.

The constant survellience still seemed kind, and you knew it was with your best intentions in mind that the god hovered so close, invading every aspect of your life.

But a creeping tendril of unease took hold, and you worried.

Everywhere you turned, he would be there, ready to support you, walk you through anything you wished.

Again, you questioned his commitment. Why? Why you?

“I can’t explain how fond of you I’ve grown. How heat blossomed in my chest as we grew closer. There’s infinite things I wish to say to you, ways for me to express my-my love, but I’ll just let you live.”

He neither killed you nor let you live.

Was it frightening? Maybe. But you had nothing to really live for, lost, searching for your own meaning in a big big world, floundering in an endless sea of sadness and suffering. You weren’t afraid of anything the god could, or would, do to you.

Until you woke up, not knowing where you were, in pitch black.

Arms encircling your shoulders, a soft body beneath your own, holding you tightly, a hand caressing your cheek.

A sun rose, on a strange new land, on the blood-red god gazing at you.

“There seemed to be so much more time for you. But accidents happen, Drivers drink and hearts give out. I was expecting you to grow old, for us to live and love like that, see how you grew through life.”

He looked around this new world, and you vaguely remember what had come before.  A walk along the sidewalk, blaring horns, impact, blood.

“But this will be just as nice. You can stay here with me now. Life can’t cause you anymore pain.”

You don’t feel comforted by those words.  There’s no way for you to know whether this new world would be better than the one you left behind.